Kiddieship of the Ring
by K. Ackles
Summary: What would happen to Legolas if he ate a shroom? And it were magical? And turned him into a kid? And he was a real problem child? And Estel had wedding phobia?
1. Prologue

Prologue  
  
Disclaimer: We (as in K.Ackles and myself, A. Ryo-Skye) do not claim ownership of anything in this fic, just maybe ourselves, but we don't really own them either!  
  
A/N: This fic is co-written by myself, K. Ackles and my equally insane/mental/sarcastic/witty/Lotr-lvin friend, Az. So Allot of the credit goes to her since it was her idea and she wrote allot of it.  
  
[K. Ackles would like to ad that Az wrote that!]  
  
  
  
It all had to have started when king Thranduil and his 10 other sons came to Rivendel for the wedding of Estel to Elronds daughter Undomiel. Now you see they had also come to see Legolas, youngest prince of Mirkwood. They also brought with them gifts for the couple and for the prince. For him they brought a rather large and colourful magical mushroom.   
  
  
  
Now as it came to pass two young and rather…er, uh…mischievous hobbits by the names of Pippin and Merry found this magical shroom. "Oi, Merry! Come here a minute." "Wazit Pip?" "Iz a biiiiiiiiiiiiig shroom, Merry!" " Let's put it in our stew." And they did just that.   
  
  
  
Later that day, on his way to speak with his father, Legolas came apon the hobbits cooking up a storm. Now the hobbits, ever-curious buggers that they are, decided that the best way to tell if the elves would like the stew was to test it on an elf. "Oi, Legolas, come 'ere a sec will ya?" "What is your problem, little masters?" asked the young, at least for an elf, prince. "Could ya pleaz test ou' stew?" "I' it will please you," he accepted but no sooner had he tried the concoction then all the trouble started.  
  
  
  
*What was the shroom? What trouble have the hobbits created? Is Legolas sane for testing something those two cooked up? Find out in the next chapter: Hobbits ARE evil.* 


	2. Hobbits Are Evil

Chapter 1: hobbits ARE evil   
  
  
  
Two rather surprised shrieks echoed through Rivendell as the rest of the fellowship, Legolas' family and Elrond were in council. "Ho! What calls so?" asked a rather nervous [well wouldn't you be if you were marrying Arwen?] Aragorn/Strider. "'Tis only Merridoc and Perrigrin, I believe." Wheezed a rather decrepit old man smoking weed.  
  
  
  
Just then the two aforementioned hobbits careened into the room, covered in stew and their hair sticking on end. "Why, what has happened to you, friends?" asked Elrond. Out of what followed only the words: Legolas, shroom, evil and help! Could be understood. But that was enough to bring horror to the faces of those of Mirkwood.  
  
  
  
They all knew what the hobbits didn't.  
  
Shrooms + Elf =Little Elf.  
  
BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG mistake. At the same moment that the elvish cross dresser attempted to run to the room where the hobbits had emerged from, a little elf in extra large clothes (at least for him) sprinted out of the room yelling like a maniac. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" He ran up and down the hall swinging on banisters and knocking everybody over. Thranduil, who had dealt with this a thousand years before, decided that he would duck into the next room.  
  
  
  
In here, he met up with a variety of others, who had also ducked in the room to escape the carnage. "I'm apologise if I sound ignorant," began a rather fat, clock-stoppingly-ugly dwarf, "but WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?" Gimli seemed to be with the hobbits on the shroom + elf thing. And he paid for his ignorance as well. "You see master dwarf," started Thranduil, " when an elf eats a certain type of mushroom, it takes 2000 years off of their life. For some elves, this would be quite all right, as they are about 4000 years old. However, Legolas was a mere 2963 years old, and the mushrooms that those-" "IDIOTIC HOBBITS FED TO HIM TURNED HIM INTO A BLOODY LITTLE DEVIL." Interrupted the old man, who seemed a lot more powerful when he was cursing hobbits. Gimli, who seemed a bit lost, then asked Thranduil what was wrong with a sweet little elf tagging along with them to the wedding. "Look at your beard, Master Dwarf." intruded one of the elves in the room.  
  
  
  
Outside, all that could be heard was a loud roar of AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH's. And then he got really mad and started screaming even loader. "MY BEARD!!! MY BEAUTIFUL BEARD!!! IT'S PINK…" at which point he burst into tears, and started crying on Elronds purple robes. Elrond patted the dwarf awkwardly on the back, and when Gimli was finished crying, he stood up and demanded to know "Who did this to me????" "As I was saying, Master Dwarf" continued Thranduil, "Legolas was a bit of a trouble maker when he was little-"  
  
  
  
"A BIT? A BIT OF A TROUBLEMAKER? ARE YOU F@#$&*^G INSANE!" Interupted one of Legolas's brothers on the verge of hysteria. "Sauron was 'a bit of a troublemaker'! Legolas was a bl*&dy force of nature! The One Ring ordeal was a picnic compared to the terror that little gremlin can create!" Thranduil sighed and continued. "If you will remove your helmet, I'm sure you will find his trade mark somewhere." As expected, when Gimli removed his helmet, a little green leaf floated to the ground, and landed at his feet.  
  
  
  
*How bad is a kiddie Legolas actually? What happens to Rivendel? Why is a baby Legolas a bad thing? Find out in the next chapter: It ws THEIR fault.* 


	3. It was THEIR Fault

Chapter 2: It was THEIR fault  
  
  
  
"I don't get it." Muttered Aragorn. "You're marrying Arwen and we don't get it but we don't say anything." Boromir's ghost whispered to Frodo who sniggered.  
  
  
  
"Well, to put it simply," Another of Legolas's brothers began. "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" "Um, dieing is not good." Boromir's ghost said." Believe me, I know these things." Arwen, who at that moment entered the room to find a bunch of grown up men huddled under the table, asked the obvious. "Glorolas, What do you mean we are all gonna die? Well, some of us but you're an elf."  
  
  
  
"Those little twats," He pointed at the two terrified hobbits. "Fed Legolas the Magic Mushroom we brought here for his medicinal stuff. Now he's turned back into his kiddie-self. And you remember how that went." She nodded and shuddered. "I think I'll join you." And she did.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile in the Dale, everyone's favourite little dev…er elf was having the time of his extremely long childhoo..er elfhood life. Most other people recalled the elfs, how shall we say, hobbies quite quickly and, well, ran…screaming! Actually, it was quite a sight: elves running like death was after them while screaming, crying or both. To say the least the little critter was enjoying himself immensely.   
  
  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was then that he realised that he was hungry. "LEMBAS!" so he decided to look for a kitchen.   
  
Now it should be told that Legolas is a sane, healthy elf who understands the intricacies of elven cooking and food. However, Legolas was presently NOT of sane mind. And it should also be noted that it not a very good idea to eat too much Lembas all at once. The effects are usually VERY harmful, even to an elf.  
  
  
  
However, Legolas was neither normal nor an elf…at least a normal elf that is. He did find a kitchen and in it he found Lembas, and LOTS of it. AND he ate it. ALL.  
  
  
  
Back under the table…  
  
"This is ridiculous!" Frodo muttered. "I mean this is Legolas we are talking about, as a KID! How bad can it be? What's he gonna do? Bite my ankles!"   
  
"Frodo's right!" Aragorn said standing up…and braining himself. "All we have to do is find him and, he's a kid for Elbereths sake, get him to calm down. Then we just give him the antidote or some…. YYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ELBERETH!!!"  
  
  
  
Boromir's ghost sniggered. "You were right Frodo, he's bitten Aragorn's ankles." And he burst out laughing.  
  
  
  
*Is their even an antidote? What is it exactly? Will they catch Legolas? Will the authors be able to think of any good pranks? Find out in the next chapter: When Elves Try and Hide.* 


	4. When Elves Try And Hide

Chapter 3: When Elves Try and Hide.  
  
  
  
Once it was obvious that Legolas wasn't following them, the elves stopped running to listen to what was happening back in Elrond's house. They started a discussion on what to do about the situation, which was suddenly interrupted by a high-pitched, almost girlish, scream. In seconds this scream was matched in decibels by what sounded like…a laugh?   
  
  
  
"What the Morodor?" Glorolas broke the silence.  
  
That was quickly followed by an "OH MY ELBERETH…THAT SOUNDS LIKE ESTEL!!!"  
  
"MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE" a rather sarcastic "That's such a lovely house Elrond!"  
  
and various other murmurs which we didn't catch, and therefore can't add into the story.   
  
  
  
Anyway, somewhere in between all of this, the fleeing weed-basher, the incredibly stupid hobbits and the new punk dwarf came wheezing into the picture. Everyone was absolutely terrified. In part because Elrond's million year old house lay in shambles, perhaps because of that blood-curdling girl shriek which Arwen could actually identify, and maybe because the transvestite elf was crying, but mostly because Gandalf had managed to keep his pipe full, and lit, while they were fleeing.  
  
  
  
Everyone saw the tiny figure emerge from the ruins, and perch himself on the tallest tree in the garden. "EST-" Thranduil managed to gag Undomiel before she gave them away. He dragged her into the cover of the brush (scratching her along the way. Followed by a sarcastic, "aww…poor Arwen."). All of the others followed. When he was sure Arwen was going to stay silent, Thranduil quietly whispered, "I love my son, but I think we'd better go into hiding." Then to his sons "Do you still remember the location of the underground caves where we hid during Legolas' childhood? Good, lead on." Turning back to the others, "When Legolas was growing up, we left him to it, and went in hiding below Lothlorien. When he had matured Celeborn and Galadriel let us know, and then we went and re-built our house. But perhaps this time they have a cure for the shrooms. Only Elbereth can say."  
  
  
  
This lovely little speech set Arwen fuming. She may look like an elf, but she is a female elf, and her temper soars high. "THIS IS MY WEDDING DAY, AND I WILL GET MARRIED, AND IT WILL BE TO ARAGORN AND WE ARE NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIM IN THAT CRAP HOLE WITH THAT TERROR THAT THRANDUIL CALLS A SON!!! YOU KNOW WHAT, I BET IT ISNT EVEN YOUR SON. I BET YOUR WIFE WAS CHEATING ON YOU WITH CELEBORN!!!! AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF THAT BASTARD IS GOING TO RUIN MY WEDDING DAY!!!! NOW GET BACK UP TO THOSE RUINS NOW. ALL OF YOU. And Thranduil, if you ever touch me again I will whip your ass so bad you will wish you had left for the Grey Haven yesterday. MOVE!!!!"  
  
  
  
Those holes in the ground wouldn't have helped them anyways. Legolas was following only two meters behind. Now Arwen's wedding dress was brown, Gloralas was bald and Elrond had a great big hole in his robe, which was flashing his polka dot boxers at everyone.  
  
  
  
*Where will they go now that Rivendel is basically fucked? Is Celeborn really Legolas's father? Will Arwen ever get married? Will Elrond ever notice that he's flashing? Find out in the next chapter: What's its gots in its packsiz?* 


	5. Whats it Got in It's Pocketsiz?

Chapter Four: What's its gots in its packsiz?  
  
  
  
"Hehehehe" thought Legolas to himself. "This is more fun than it was the first time. And this time I can do more. I love being old in a kids' body. Hehehehe."  
  
  
  
In hiding somewhere  
  
"Well, we'll just have to get an antidote or something!" Aragorn exclaimed, trying to ease himself of Arwen who was clinging to him now that she had discovered her 'new' brown wedding dress curtousy of Legolas.  
  
  
  
"Just one problem with your logic, O Mighty-King-Of-Men." The old dude wheezed. "The only way to get him back to normal is to have him want too, which means he needs a big enough reason to need his grown body and want to be back to his older self, then have him go through something which will tie his older body to someone of approximate age through an official ceremony within six hours of his return from kiddiehood!"  
  
  
  
The rest stared at him for a moment or ten before Aragorn finally cleared his throat. "Yeah, Gandalf, we get the first bit …but what was the last bit again?"  
  
  
  
The old dude, now known as Gandalf, the supposed white (though The Dirty would have been more so correct.) lost it (his temper not his mind, since he lost THAT along, long, long, long…ok like in the 1st age ago). "HE HAS TO GET MARRIED YOU STUPID GREASY EXCUSE FOR THE KING OF MEN, WHO ARE ALL WEAK AND STUPID AND GREASY!" Finishing his tirade he passed out. Nobody actually cared.   
  
  
  
"Leave him for Legolas to get, maybe it'll hold him off long enough for us to come up with some sort of plan." Muttered Thranduil who now sported a rainbow Mohawk, black front teeth (this made them seem to not be there) and a sign on his back that read: I'm a male impersonator.  
  
  
  
Suddenly, the authors appear out of nowhere, well, actually out of a cloud of black mist (?) to the sound of Adema's 'Everyone', but that came out of nowhere so …yeah.   
  
Author 1: Az….  
  
The first to speak is a tall brunette wearing faded jeans, a tight white top with a Canadian maple leaf on it in red, and a pair of bright, yes, bright red sneakers. She addresses the second author…ess, Az. She has her blond hair up in a ponytail and is wearing a pair of navy jeans with silver swirls on the legs and the words "Soulbreaking" in silver on the hip, a tight black top, a black open shirt and ankle-boots.   
  
Az: Yes, BB?  
  
BB: Do you have to turn EVERYTHING into slash?  
  
Az: (thinks on this for a minute.) um…. With those two?…YES!  
  
BB: (Triple-brunette-blink *tm*) Oh, OK…. JAVA!  
  
Az: (Deadpan) And here you all thought I was the loony.  
  
BB: Aren't you?  
  
Az: Well, yeah, but you're actually clinically insane. Me, well, even in some circles I'm considered sane. Or at the very least a sociopath.  
  
Then they disappear in a poof of navy mist (?) to the sound of Static X's "Cold".  
  
  
  
The group blink in surprise. "Wah wazat?" Pippin finally asks. Gandalf, who had woken up during this interlude turned to him and shouted. "Don't ask me questions I don't know the answers too." Then passed out…again. And, again, nobody actually cared…except maybe Arwen cause she's weird and old and needs him to marry her to kingboy. So, everyone shrugged and continued to run away from little Legolas. Who was hiding in Aragorn's pack.  
  
  
  
*How will they save themselves? What is up with the antidote? Does Az have the ability to give this story a plot? Does she have to turn it into slash? Will BB ever get her java? Find out in the next chapter: Proof of Slashability* 


	6. Proof of Slashibility

Chapter Five: Proof of Slashability  
  
  
  
So it was that eventually Arwen discovered her new hairstyle, eyebrows (or lack thereof), outfit, shoes, eyecolour, skincolour and teeth. To be exact: The missing strip of hair running from mid-forehead to neck, her lack of eyebrows, orange, green and purple dress, soleless shoes (resulting in her making Aragorn carry her everywhere), green and orange eyes, bright orange skin and electric-blue teeth. All in all Arwen looked like a rotting orange with two wisps of brown fuzz coming out the top. It was a really off-putting site to say the least, specially for the bridegroom to be.  
  
  
  
"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT HER UP!" Another of Legolas's brothers finally shouted, having had enough of Arwens moaning and wining about his brother and her life in general. To say that the group was wanting to kill said elf was like saying Rohan was a grassy place for horses (OK so it was but it's REALLY big and REALLY horsey).   
  
  
  
So far Elrond's tiara was bent and twisted, his robes were missing parts in explicit areas and he was missing a patch of, now green hair, at the back of his head. Thranduil's hair was now entirely gone and the rest of his sons had varying shades of hair or skin or both. They seemed to have escaped pretty unscathed but, then again, they had dealt with little Legolas before. The hobbits had had all their foot hair removed and sported badly applied make-up. The dwarf and old geezer (who had woken to the sound of evil, as in eviller than Sauron, laughter.) now wore…woman's lingerie…and caused even the ghost of Boromir to be vigorously ill.  
  
  
  
Not being able to spot the little dem…critter, they decided to rest, knowing it may be along time till they could again. With a loud groan and not a few cracking and popping sounds, Aragorn put down Arwen. OK, so he just up and dropped the female thing. Collapsing to his backside he took some deep breaths and started to massage his stiff and sore muscles.   
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Arwen was busy having a cow…well not literally, that would be just plain gross, but she was bitching and wining to her daddy. Who, at that moment, was wondering if it would be considered self-defence if he tied her to a tree and left her to Legolas's mercy. Which, Elrond noticed, he did not have much for her. In fact the only one not to suffer too harshly from the little bugger was Estel. In fact the ranger had only been 'pranked', if Legolas's acts could be called that, twice. The tiny blond terror had bitten his ankles and had, while the man walked under an overhanging tree, doused Aragorn in shampoo and then water and then repeated his actions. Though he did substitute the shampoo for conditioner. Idly the ruler of Imladris noted that Aragorn had not smelt as fresh as he now did since he became a ranger.   
  
  
  
Just then the now 'Rose and Daffodils' scented ranger let out a yelp. All turned to face him as he jumped up and glared down at the area he had just vacated. His eyes, however soon became ten times their normal size and he started to tremble, as the sound of laughter filled the area. The others started to tremble or cry or both. The laughter was not a nice one, in fact it was decidedly evil, the pinnacle of evil, the epitome of evil, the…  
  
  
  
Suddenly, the author…esses appear in a cloud of electric blue mist (?) to the sound of Avril Lavigne's 'With You'.   
  
Az: (pouting and frowning) That last part doesn't make sense BB.  
  
BB: (Looks up from mocha and notices where they actually are) Why?  
  
Az: I don't even believe in 'evil'.  
  
BB: (Groans) Not the whole 'Lady Macbeth is not an evil witch' bit again!  
  
Az: No, seriously, BB, how can I write Legolas as an 'evil' thing when I don't believe in 'evil'? I mean I would be contradicting myself if I did. This could cause me moral problems. I might *gasp* start to not think for myself! I may become one with the herd of misconstrued fools that follow as one the word of the teacher, without thought, without question…without unanswerable questions, BB! (Starts to freak)  
  
BB: (shrugs and gives Az a hug, when the blond freezes up, as usual and as planned, and stares at the brunette with big, afraid eyes, BB lets go) Az, are you still ok with me being BI?  
  
Az: (nods)  
  
BB: Do you still believe that Malfoy and Harry are meant to be together and Snape is a fucking sex-god?  
  
Az: (nods vigorously)   
  
BB: Do you still love Slytherin and despise Dumbledoor and the Griffs? Is life still fucked? Are boys, or girls, so not a reason for living? Is sex still 'Icky!'? Do you still think Hannibal Lector is a great role model? Do you still love Orly and Viggo, even though you find their slashability irresistible, and yet still love Sean Bean, even though he is not slashable? Do you still think that Tom Felton is bishi, even though he is like a year younger than you, and hope he keeps on playing Malfoy to the characters 7th year, cause he is the only kid in the whole movie that can act? Do you still hate birds, hormones, hormonal teenagers, the colour pink, Christmas, Valentines Day, bible-thumpers and children under 12?   
  
Az: (nods so hard it seems her head may detach itself)  
  
BB: (Smiles at Az) Then you have nothing to worry 'bout.  
  
Az: (Gives the very rare Azurian star-like smile) Thanks, BB! (Gives the taller brunette a peck on the cheek)  
  
BB: (blushes even though only Az can see it under her tan) And you're s'posed to be the straight one!  
  
Az: Oh, shove it. (Back to her unusual quirky yet morally ambiguous self, snaps her fingers)  
  
They disappear in a cloud of Slytherin green mist (?) to the sound of 'My Plague' by Slipknot.  
  
The middle-earthians blink. "You know…never mind, I don't really want to know." Sam mutters. "Maybe they 'ave a ring o' power or sumtin." Pippin says. At the mentions of the ring Frodo starts to spaz.  
  
  
  
What's up with Frodo? Why is Aragorn left unpranked? Will someone ever shut Arwen up? Find out in the next chapter: A Little Girl Called Ellenore 


End file.
